While a recent survey shows that 45% of U.S. adults believe keeping secrets about money is as bad as cheating on your spouse, 40% of respondents also admit to committing some kind of financial infidelity against their partner (1).
So, how can you tell when a money secret is a marriage-ending red flag? That’s the question that was on one caller’s mind when she called in to a recent episode of The Ramsey Show (2).
Michelle, who lives in Utah, decided to speak with hosts Dave Ramsey and John Delony after discovering that her husband of three months had taken $3,500 from their joint account, leaving the account with almost nothing left. As Michelle explained, she and her husband are going through serious financial struggles; Michelle was laid off from her job just days before their wedding, and that was before her husband decided to quit his medical residency without consulting her.
While Michelle says she and her husband agreed to tighten their budget until they both found new jobs, the couple unfortunately ended up “on welfare.” Michelle’s been interviewing for jobs but hasn’t landed one yet, and it could take months for her husband to secure a new residency.
Meanwhile, much to Michelle’s frustration, her husband refuses to show her his bank statements for his personal account and credit cards.
After she shared her story with the hosts, Delony first focused on what he believes is the bigger issue in Michelle’s relationship.
“Here’s the thing; your marriage challenges are deeper than spending and deeper than him quitting,” said Delony. “It is: you don’t respect this guy at all.”
“When life — three months in, or a couple months into your marriage — threw you guys a pretty big curve ball, your biggest fears about him were exposed, and you’ve reached that place … you’re at contempt. ‘I don’t like you. And I think that I would be handling this different than you,’” Delony added.
Delony believes that, without addressing this deeper issue, this couple could end up drifting further apart, which could lead to opening their own separate bank accounts and not resolving anything.
“Y’all will have a divorce inside your own house,” said Delony.
Ramsey and Delony agreed that married couples should have joint bank accounts.
“Y’all should have bank statements that anyone can pull up at any time that y’all talk about together regularly,” said Ramsey, who maintains that it’s better for married couples to pool their money and make all financial decisions together (3).
However, this strategy relies on a couple having strong communication skills, as well as a willingness to discuss finances regularly, openly and honestly. It also depends on a couple’s conflict resolution skills; most notably, the ability to reach a compromise.
Delony was also clear that Michelle’s husband’s secrecy — taking money from their joint account and then refusing to tell her what he spent it on — was an act of financial infidelity.
“He’s cheating on you,” said Delony. “He’s deceiving you.”
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Financial infidelity is essentially a breach of trust that involves money, and it can have deep and serious impacts on a relationship.
This kind of infidelity can include keeping secrets from your partner about money (such as hiding debt or overspending), maintaining secret accounts or credit cards, or taking out a loan without consulting the other (4). While some experts say it’s possible to rebuild trust after financial infidelity, doing so requires hard work from both partners in the relationship.
If you are dealing with the fallout of financial infidelity, here are some key steps to take:
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Have an open and frank discussion about the future of your relationship and your goals (including financial goals) in order to figure out whether you’re on the same page with your partner
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Seek out relationship counseling; this can help with learning to communicate openly about finances, as well as solving conflict in a loving and respectful way
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Discuss your financial values and attitudes, including the beliefs you were raised with about money
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Commit to transparency going forward, and set a regular date to discuss your finances so that the partner who lied is less tempted to repeat the infidelity
While having open conversations about finances can potentially fix a relationship that is fraught with money issues, having that conversation early in the relationship is an important step that Michelle and her husband should have taken.
“This should have been a conversation y’all had before you got married,” said Delony. “I’m not going to marry somebody, I’m not going to connect life with somebody that won’t engage with … dreaming about a joint future together, where we put our money in the same account, because that funds our dreams and our commitment to each other.”
Developing an ongoing dialogue about your expectations when it comes to spending and saving for long-term goals — such as buying a home or saving for retirement — could set your relationship up for financial success. Fostering an honest and consistent dialogue on money will mean that you and your partner have a greater ability to work toward your shared financial goals together.
We rely only on vetted sources and credible third-party reporting. For details, see our editorial ethics and guidelines.
Bankrate (1); The Ramsey Show – YouTube (2); Ramsey Solutions (3); Psychology Today (4)
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
