A recent caller to The Ramsey Show posed a shocking question: “I would like to know if it’s OK if I lock my husband out of my savings account?”
Dave Ramsey raised his eyebrows and replied: “Wow. Sounds pretty dramatic.”
Joan from Florida said she was stressed about her husband’s recent spree of expensive purchases, which have drained her savings account from $50,000 to about $8,000.
Over the past year, he had bought a boat, a truck to pull the boat, road bikes and mountain bikes.
“For people who’ve been married 45 years, y’all suck at communication,” Ramsey said.
Just to get this out of the way — no, Joan most likely can’t simply “lock up” her money so her husband can’t spend it. Typically, anything that was earned during a marriage is a marital asset, and it is owned jointly. If Joan truly wants to split her finances from her husbands’, her only practical way forward is divorce (2). But she didn’t indicate that option is really on the table for her.
Joan explained that 20 years ago, she and her husband amassed major credit card debt and had to take out a second mortgage and borrow against her 401(k), just to get out of it.
She took on a second job, and they worked hard to wipe out the debt. Their $650,000 house is now paid off, and Joan has a $650,000 401(k). Her husband has nothing in his 401(k). They currently make about $82,000 per year combined, and her husband wants to retire next year.
Joan’s husband’s retirement plan is clearly lacking, and his spending is concerning to say the least. But Ramsey and his co-host John Delony were focused more on Joan and her husband’s communication, and less on his recent spending spree.
“If you’re in your 60s, and you guys are healthy, you may have to be fighting with this old man for another 30 years,” Ramsey said. “So y’all need to really work on this and get on the same stinkin’ page.”
Ramsey pointed out that he and his wife Sharon are much more well-off than this couple, but they would never make a big purchase like a boat without running it by the other person.
“We make the decision together beforehand,” Ramsey said. “We don’t just make this up as we go.”
Delony flagged that in Joan’s telling of the situation, she kept making “I” statements. “Listening to your language — ‘This is mine; I put this in my account; he has nothing’ — I’m wondering if there’s not a dynamic in your marriage that has established itself over the years, of, you’re ‘the good one’ and he’s ‘the bad one.’ You’re ‘the smart one,’ you’re the one who saves, and he is ‘the child.’”
“Doesn’t give a pass, doesn’t give an excuse for his dishonesty, his lying to his wife […] acting like a child, but it creates a context for where, ‘If you’re gonna treat me like a child for 40 years, I’m gonna act like a child,’” Delony said.
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In Joan’s case, her husband’s behaviors could potentially cross the line from financial irresponsibility to financial infidelity. While she was included in the decision to buy the boat, she told The Ramsey Show that her husband wasn’t fully honest with her about all the associated costs.
Since Joan’s husband did not tell her what the costs would be, she wasn’t actually fully included in the decision-making, which amounts to a breach of trust. Although this is devastating, she’s not alone: A 2021 survey by Ramsey Solutions found that 31% of respondents had debt their partner was not aware of (3).
Signs of financial irresponsibility include excessive or risky spending, missing bill payments and not including your partner in investing or spending decisions (4).
Financial infidelity, on the other hand, includes things like keeping secret accounts or credit cards or lying about purchases or investments, according to Ramsey solutions (5).
If your partner has been financially irresponsible or committed financial infidelity, there are steps you can take to try and repair your relationship — if repairing it is what you want to do. Some problems can’t be overcome, and that’s OK. You have to make the best decision for you.
Rebuilding communication needs to be a priority for couples who are in this situation and have decided to stay together. As Ramsey recommended, couples’ counselling is one thing to consider.
Once you are on better footing when it comes to communication, you’ll be able to map out a budget and savings goal together. You can’t stay on track unless you agree on what you want to achieve and how you’ll get there.
Financial irresponsibility can have serious consequences for your relationship. According to a different Ramsey Solutions survey, disagreements about money are the second leading cause of divorce. The survey also found that the more debt a couple had, the more likely they were to consider money a top issue they argue about (6).
Rebuilding trust after it has been fractured due to financial irresponsibility or financial infidelity is possible, but you might need outside help. The good news is that it is never too late to learn new skills, and new ways to communicate with your partner.
As Dave Ramsey advised caller Joan and her husband, “You guys gotta work on your skills. Your skills are low, and that may mean sitting down with a marriage counselor who’s teaching you how to develop these skills.”
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Ramsey Show Highlights (1); Cogdill Nichols Rein Wartelle Andrews (2); Ramsey Solutions (3); Forbes (4); Ramsey Solutions (5); Ramsey Solutions (6)
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
